Is it because you think you’re unatractive?
This is a hard one and i genuinely think it’s different for everyone. but for the sake of answering this, i’ll just discuss my experience. Because my bulimia centres around taking laxatives, i first discovered them at uni when i was cramped with constipation one time. After taking them i had that feeing of ‘oh look, i’ve got a nice flat tummy’.
one time i was going on a night out but i was super bloated so i took some to get a flat stomach. Anddd then it went from there. it started of with just a few pills a week and slowly crept up on me. When i started i was actually quite confident in my skin. I had some insecurities but i didn’t really care what others thought about me.
Before i knew it i had developed an addiction, body dysmorphia and my body was reliant on them. When the body dysmorphia came along, that was when i started to think i was extremely unattractive and overweight.
Why is it so hard for you to eat?
it’s not so much that it’s ‘hard‘ to eat, it more a fear. Eating disorders are all about control. If we eat and binge then it feels like we’ve lost control of a situation and can’t stop. After a while i developed huge amounts of guilt towards eating even the smallest portion. Then i stoped buying food because i knew i couldn’t stop myself eating. I have a loaf of bread in the cupboard but it it all within one sitting and then feel so guilty that i’d sit and cry.
How can you have an eating disorder if you’re not underweight?
Eating disorders actually have nothing to do with weight…well i mean obviously they do BUT it’s such a small part of it. i’ve said it before on my blog but eating disorders need to stop being seen as eating disorders and more so as mental disorders.
You can be overweight, underweight or a healthy weight and still have an eating disorder, still be binging and starving.
Arent you allways hungry?
No and yes. Truthfully it depends on how successfully i’ve managed to restrict for. I’f i’ve been restricting for more that 48 hours then the hunger goes away and the thought of food starts to make me feel sick. it’s the first 24 hours after a binge which are the hardest.
Do you really see yourself as fat in the mirror?
YES!!! this one is probably the most common questions i get asked. I actually find it quite insulting.
I think people believe i’m fishing for compliments when i don’t believe what they tell me or when i say i see something different in the mirror.
I know body dysmorphia is hard to understand if you don’t have it! But unfortunately it comes hand in hand with an eating disorder and genuinely does warp your perception of yourself… every single ounce.
I remember going to rehab once and getting myself weigh. She asked me how much i thought i weigh and i said 14 and a 1/2 stone…I was 6 and a 1/2 stone off, i was 8 stone.
If you’re eating, does that mean you’re recovered?
NOOOOO!! We binge, we selective eat, we try and recover and eat out of politeness. just because we may have a fear of food or feel guilty, that doesn’t mean we don’t like food.
Heck, i miss food, enjoying food, sitting down and enjoying a meal with friends without having an internal anxiety freak out.
What is recovery like?
In one word, torturous! It’s like learning to eat all over again, learning to love yourself all over again, learning to be happy all over again. Learning life al over agin.
I’ve had my ED my WHOLE adult life, i don’t know life without it and it’s terrifying to let go of it. It’s become my best friend, confident, another limb almost. I almost find myself questioning, who am i supposed to turn to now when i’m sad, stressed etc?
But thats what i have to over come.