This was me!!!

I’ve always said that an eating disorder IS NOT an eating disorder. It is a mental health issue just like any other.

Dig far enough under the surface with a sufferer and you’ll realise that there’s so much more to it. In fact, eating is such a tiny teeny percentage of this gigantic thing that takes over your life. Where do I start?

So…. there’s the core issues that we suffer with that can be the stems for eating disorder.

– body dysmorphia. – depression. -low self esteem -bullying

And then, there are the effects that roll off of having an ED(does not apply to everyone, speaking from my experience).

-drug abuse. -alcohol abuse. -looking for validation from sex – heart irregularities. -kidney disease – Debt. – Isolation

The picture below is it me about 2 & 1/2 years into my ED at latitude festival in the UK. I had carried through my normal routine of not eating, taking laxatives to rid my system of every tiny little thing left.

But it was a festival….. I started drinking and I took LSD(ecstasy) and cocaine. All that on an empty stomach, mixed with laxatives and anti epileptic medication (oh yeah, I’m epileptic too-it’s usually controlled) is not a great mix!

I had a great night as far as I can remember! The next morning is another story though. I was walking to do a coffee run for my mates. Walking back I fell to the ground and starting having a seizure. I fell onto a tent peg which went through my face.

I ended up staying in hospital for a week while they drained my body of all the drugs.

I was rushed to hospital and away from everything. I don’t remember much of that part. The next thing I do recall is waking up in Ipswich hospital, alone, no phone, no clothes, no from nothing! I was petrified.

They told me I had to stay there for a week so they could be certain all the drugs had gone from my system and that my anti epileptic ones were working again.

I was so angry at myself that I’d let it get to that stage. It really hit me when my mum came to collect me. She took one look at me and walked right back out. She didn’t want me to see her crying. I asked my step dad later that day where she went and if she’s okay? He said “she thought you were dead” – obviously I don’t look too dead in that photo, but as a parent and knowing everything that I had and hadn’t put into my system I can see why!

I felt so guilty, on her, my friends, my self, hospital staff! And I just thought FUCK IT! Tuck this butterfly effect of negativity my ED is having on my life.

My life to a few years to get into place after that. I had few big jobs in a few different big cities but in 2018 I finally settled and decided to start recovery all over again & this time FOR ME!

One year in, I made the below post. I made it so I could look back with the aim to see how far I’ve come in a year.

In all honesty not too much has changed from the outside. I’m still jobless, on benefits, homesick, still have debts, just gone through another break up(same guy second time🙄).

Don’t judge a book by its cover- I’m smiling but behind the glasses these words were the real me

BUUTT when I look at the bigger picture, the more input hinge have changed… I no longer have heart or kidney issues. Yes I had another cancer scare this year but it amounted to nothing, I still have bulimia but my laxative intake is down to 20 whereas in this picture was at 100. And I do still have body dysmorphia but I can slowly feel it improving and they’re the real positives that I need in my life.

This version of myself is 100 miles away from the version of me who was in a hospital bed in Ipswich and I’m proud to say that!

I’ve got 1000 miles to go, but I’ve already traveled 100,000!

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